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Saturday, April 5, 2014

medieval sleeping

I'm up at 2:30 am to drink fennel tea and knit. It's been a long week and I have a few things to say:

This introversion thing is real. I realize this when I wake up at midnight in order to sit alone not-talking.

Too many days have gone by without my being able to do this. My balance is off. I ache. I am confused and helpless. I can't see myself or anyone else. By the time I finished work yesterday, I was hardly functioning. Introverts are in vogue at the moment, but it is still a tiny bit socially unacceptable to announce that you feel strung out and unhinged and hungover from too much social interaction, especially if you work in customer service. Well, I feel all of those things. Sometimes I resent the fact that so much of social energy is used up by my job and not with my friends. Sometimes going for coffee is the last thing I want to do. Sometimes a party is a house-sized hell. Sometimes I find it difficult to live with my own partner. Sometimes I find it difficult to live with my cat.

Solitude is not a luxury for me. Coming to this 3:00 am conclusion feels surprisingly rebellious. I am under enormous pressure to ignore my need for time alone, for personal work, for self-direction, for slow, for quiet. Even I have measured my level of mental health by my ability to cope cheerfully with social situations--and of course, being able to "cope cheerfully" is a necessary skill, something that makes my life easier. It's a mistake, however, for me to set the bar there, where I'm merely coping and not thriving.

On the cusp of three days off, a defiant list before bed.

To Do:

- spend a whole day reading
- walk in the cemetery
- take a weekend off from email, facebook
- binge-knit a sweater
- write on a non-project (i.e. do the work from which projects emerge)
- plan another solo trip
- plan a smaller dinner party
- make a new zine because I love to, not because it is a good career move
- protect my little routines
- do a fast day (for the first time in ages and ages)
- bake sourdough bread



(if you're curious about the post's title)

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