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Wednesday, January 30, 2013

the old view from here

A couple of days ago I sent off an angsty, stilted, apologetic email to one of my closest friends. I told her something I'd been keeping to myself--something I'd been afraid to admit to myself or anyone else, something that had been brewing for a long time. She laughed at me, gently, because she already knew. 

Tim knew before I told him. Perhaps, what with my idolization of certain musicians, you all saw this coming before I did. 

I'm not, well, straight. 

I wasn't going to write about it here. It seemed like a discussion out of place, smack in the middle of posts about knitting, food, books; more than that, I was afraid of offending you, the readers. I was afraid that bisexuality was the last straw. You were already putting up with my atheism, my non-feminism, my unorthodox marriage. I felt like I should apologize. 

But I think there's been enough apologizing. I'm not thirteen anymore, scared that a crush on a girlfriend would destroy my life and all prospects of future happiness (and send me to hell). I don't have much else to say on the matter, but I'm happy and relieved to be saying this much. I was sick of pretending. The four-years writer of this blog, the (nearly) 22-year old woman, the one still in love with Tim Put, the author of 200-odd poems, the homebody, the English student? She liked girls the whole time. 

10 comments:

  1. Thanks Cat.

    (Also, I saw the pictures of the cowl--it is spectacular!)

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  2. I support the hell out of your choices, all of them. Honest is always a good bedrock: please be good to you! xoxox

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  3. for what its worth, I love all of you, too.

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  4. "She liked girls the whole time."

    Me too!

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  5. Thank you all so much. It was nerve-wracking to post this, but clearly, I had nothing to worry about.

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  6. Everyone has always assumed I am/was gay...The truth is I am open..."LOVE" and attraction is not gender specific for me. I've never loved a woman sexually, but I do not rule it out either...
    "In or Out" Ani Difranco ~ theme song...She says it perfectly.
    XO Lizzie.
    You are awesome.

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  7. you are among friends. no worries, be who you are
    xx

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