This year I would like to practice feeding myself. Since I began recovering from bulimia I've made great strides - for over a year I felt nauseous every time I ate, no longer - but it has only been during the past month that I have known when my body needed food, what it needed, and how much to put in. I cannot remember consistently noticing, recognizing, or responding to hunger until I was 17, except when I was attempting to starve myself and noticed with pleasure and responded by drinking a glass of ice water.
For quite some time, I was really sick. I scanned books about recovery from eating disorders in order to learn tricks, I searched youtube for anorexia videos and drooled over emaciated photos.
I had sores in my throat, chalky teeth, and a horror of food.
Yesterday I kindly poured myself a bowl of cereal for breakfast. I had a hot bath, put on cigarette jeans and a soft shirt, put my hair up. I packed tea, water, fruit, and cookies to eat at school, and when I came home at in the early afternoon I drank warm milk and ate a mandarin orange while I sketched. Two hours later Tim and I had a Liberte yogurt tasting, and a piece of homemade bread. There was a pear, and more homemade bread with butter and garlic for supper, then there was letter-writing to the newspaper.
Later today I'm off to find some yoga pants and a sports bra. I would like to start running again as well, and using the gym at school that I pay 70 dollars a year to use.